Footballistic Rantages

Once upon a time, TehGoatLord was happily grazing on a different kind of grass, when he decided to hand FootyBlog over to TehZebraLord.

He did so, and he saw that it was good. TehZebraLord’s writing made a few people laugh, but made most wish that she never left the kitchen to bullshit about football.

TehZebraLord did however do something right.

She found RobotNinjaShark.

Part robot, part ninja, part shark, and fully epic, RobotNinjaShark is the newest addition to Rantages Inc.

In fact, he’s so awesome his writing even has its own colour.

TehZebraLord is jealous.

Er, okay, so most of you probably support United, Chelsea, Arsenal, City, etc. Therefore, most of you watch Champions League football.

Welcome to the Europa League.

Now, you wouldn’t expect much from a game like Liverpool v. Sparta Prague. However, throw in a defender that looks like he’d rape errbody out there for lulz, and you’d think things would be mildly more interesting. But you’d be wrong.

So, a summary of last night’s game. Czech league champions played host to the Reds, who were without Gerrard, Carroll or Suarez. I like to think these three went out together and picked up some hookers, because no other Liverpool players came anywhere near scoring.

Johnson demonstrated again how utterly shit he is at right back, repeatedly losing his man during the first half. How he plays for England I’ll never know.

Ok, now I know.

I just googled “best right back in England” and it came up with Glen Johnson, Gary Neville and Wes Brown.

Hahaha, England are shit!

So, four shots on target all game, none from Liverpool. Highlights of the game included Tomas Repka (Sparta and former West Ham captain) threatening to murder and/or sexually assault (possibly in that order) Ngog and Pepe Reina getting eaten by a smoke monster.

In summary, you should’ve just watched the Basal V Spartak game instead.

Speaking of rapey football players, RobotNinjaShark and I decided to come up with a list of, well, rapey football players.

Sotirios Kyrgiakos

Play’s for the Greek national team, and is currently Liverpool’s centre-back. With 29 appearances and 3 goals so far, he’s “marginally above shit”.

Why I wouldn’t want to meet him in  a dark alley:

“The guy’s 6’4. “

“And hairy”

“Yes, and hairy”

“And Greek”

“That too”

I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty fucking scared if I turned around and a hairy, 6’4 Greek dude was standing there.

"And then I told him to pick up some soap"

Yes, like that.

With a face like that, I wouldn’t be surprised if you had recurring nightmares.

About being stuck with him in the showers of a Turkish prison.

While he asks you to pick up some soap.

Jan Koller

Koller, after playing for a billion clubs with names I can’t pronounce, now plays as striker for AS Cannes. He’s scored a decent amount of goals, considering he started his training as a goalkeeper. He’s probably scored more than some players who have trained as strikers.

Why I wouldn’t want to meet him in  a dark alley:

Kyrgiakos, at 6’4, was pretty scary.

Koller is fucking 6’7. And ½. Because that ½ really makes a difference. He’s bald too; for some reason creepy people seem creepier when they’re bald. And he looks like the type of guy you really don’t wanna mess with.

"You know the drill"

Nemanja Vidic

Played a bit for a couple of Eastern European sides, now captain at Man United. Married to a lady named Ana Ivanovic. Not the useless but very fit tennis player, just some random Serbian skirt.

Why I wouldn’t want to meet him in  a dark alley:

He’s known for his ‘no-nonsense defending’. In other words, he doesn’t give a shit about what condition you’re in once he’s done with you.

Hint: The legs aren't his

Martin Skrtel

Ugly bastard who looks like he should be at a neo-Nazi rally in Warsaw. Plays centre-half for Livepool. Well, he tries to.

Why I wouldn’t want to meet him in  a dark alley:

The guy’s face…

It’s enough to scare Bin Laden out of hiding.

Just imagine

“Peek-a-boo!”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he wears that mask.

You know that playing in Liverpool won't get you laid. So you gotta be a part-time masked rapist.

Tomáš Řepka

Former West Ham and current Sparta Prague skipper, 18 red cards in his career. In his first three games for the East London outfit in 2001, he was sent off twice. To be fair, he only got two more in the next five years.

Why I wouldn’t want to meet him in  a dark alley:

^ Read above.

"YOU WANT TO REDCARD ME? I'LL SHOVE THAT REDCARD UP PLACES YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED"

It was difficult, putting these players in order. They’re all just so creepy *shudders*

So, the most rapey looking award goes to…all of them.

What do you get when you cross a football crazy chick with imbalanced hormones?

A sexually confused Kopite.

Hai, I’m Zee, the aforementioned sexually confused Kop-wut, you thought that was just a bad joke?

Anyways, I’m here to write about the sport I jerk off t-I mean, the sport I enjoy watching while my hands are a respectable distance from my lower body. If you want an accurate, observant retelling of the weeks current events from the football world, written from a completely unbiased perspective, with authentic quotes and statistics, then you’re on the wrong site.

First and foremost, I’m a Liverpool fan so do expect a lot of anti-United, anti-Webb, and a lot of anti-Torres.

Glad I got that taken care of *whistles*

The debut of Chelsea’s £50 million signing was in one word, a fail, consisting of just one attempt on goal which was blocked (thank God) by Carragher.

No wait, make that an epic fail. Torres was substituted in the 66^th minute for Kalou.

I know, right?

Liverpool fans around the world must’ve had a tough time deciding what their favourite part of the game was: Meireles’ goal, or Torres getting pwned by Agger’s elbow. £10 says that wasn’t an accident.

I joke, I joke.

Make that £15.

I know a lot of people hold the view that Carra has become a wee bit shite recently, myself included. But if there was ever gonna be a shot he had to block, it was that one. His post-match ‘ehm’s and ‘uhh’s  coherently stated how proud of himself he was. It also made us glad the Torres children won’t be growing up with a Scouse accent. *shudders*

Sometimes I wonder if Torres would’ve made the move had someone told him his hair clashes horribly with the blue jerseys.

It’s Boxing day… Almost.

Where Arsenal gets boxed into the 3rd or even 4th(Certainly wouldn’t rule out 5th) place in the table and Chelsea and Manchester United fight for glory. Thishas been the story of the past 4 years or so.

Well, I think Arsenal still has a good chance of winning the Premier League. They won the Premier League in 2013 in FIFA 07 with their current squad of beauties. They grow up into 90+ overall stars We’re all seeing now that the unknown starlets of FIFA 07 are now getting into Team of the Mid-Season..

Turning towards United, as always, when I need to see a team who doesn’t lose. We’re doing everything perfectly.

Chelsea, I have one thing to ask from you. WHERE IS THAT 6-0 WIN OF YOURS NOW?

Very Hilarios

I must say that Ballack took his miserable luck of losing finals and the Chelsea Midfield with him.

Let’s look at  both Sunderland of Wonderland and New Premier League side Newcastle, we must agree. I think the Mackems and Geordies decided to be sober for once. Look what it did, they’re in the top 10 now.

Much like Sunderland

So, yes. It’s only a matter of time before they try out their off the field tactic to outdrink each other and get the other drunk

Serie A fans.

The handful of them, are screaming their arses off saying that Robinho and Zlatan have found themselves again in Serie A.

It’s the other way around, blind blissies. Serie A has found Robinho and Zlatan. Robinho with his Premier League experience and know-hows about fighting giants and playing football in the worst country to actually PLAY football in, has found heaven in a slow paced 40 year old league.

Zlatan? Well. He joined AC Milan to complete the set of the 3 Italian Giants. YAY I PLAYED FOR ALL OF THEM. Yes, but accidentally he found his form… In the Serie A.

Inter Milan sacked Rafa Benitez. Why did the thought not occur to you 6 months ago when you signed this living sack of potatoes to replace Mourinho, Mr. Board Member? It’s Mourinho you’re replacing. THE LEAST you can do is get a good player or a manager.
No, we have Rafa, he can do wonders with his wheel of fortune style of Rotational football instead of rational football. Woo hoo.

Where Inter Milan sacks, Juventus just sucks.

I’ll just let this picture of A.S Roma speak a thousand words

Drogba has competition

La Liga.

El Classic…oh. Was a disappointment to the utmost. For Barca fans and Mourinho, it was as if Christmas came early. Ol’ Mourinho thought that Pep Armadilla was as stupid as he looks. So, he decided to use Santa Claus’s strategy of waiting till the children sleep and come down the chimney and leave a few goals in the stockings. Or atleast the net.
But wily Pep Guadiola may be a child but he’s a smart one. He put Tarzan under his chimney to guard against any of Santa’s tricks. Cause he was expecting Mourinho instead of Santa.

Would you like a tissue, dear Real fan? How hard is it to suddenly wake up into Reality?

Cristiano Ronaldo, I must say, Balotelli must be yours and Paris Hilton’s biological child.

His head is actually that big and shaped like that

Bundesliga..

Well, naah. I have better things to do.

Goodbye

As we have all seen what Filippo Inzaghi and Paul Scholes did this week.

AGE DOES NOT MATTER

On the other hand, did anyone see Ronaldo’s invisible face extension? If you flap your hands near his throat, the Force suddenly arises in you and strikes his pretty face.

This: I can get.

DADDY! VIDIC HIT ME AGAIN!

This I cannot.

What I would love to see is someone stepping on Ronaldo’s balls

>Implying he has balls

He would probably fake cancer.

“OH NOEZ! MUMMEHZ! LOOK AT ME, I HAVE THE PORTEGEUSIAN AZN TESTICULAR CANCER”

This is a very nice conversation between me and Goonerzade who’s on Cloud 9 cause Arsenal is performing above expectations. Which is scraping a goal and losing against Shakhtar Donetsk.

TehGoatLord says (1:59 AM):

*wt du u mean? smth rung wiff u???

goonerzade says (1:59 AM):

*:@

TehGoatLord says (1:59 AM):

*Ohgod. I wouldn’t have sex with a chick who looked like Cheryl Cole and typed like that… Even if she paid me.

TehGoatLord says (2:00 AM):

*On second thought, I’d take “Typing Fee” like Rooney’s Prostitute took “Ugly Fee”

Let’s end this post with a beautiful poem…

Manchester City
Push it up like Adebayor’s Titty

Arsenal FC
Where Wengers secretly watches the youngins pee

Chelsea Football Club
Drogba’s a gorilla cub

Alright, so I was just talking to my friend Kun(Not the Sergio one) about Dimitar Berbatov and Dim-Eater Pervertov. The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of United.

So here’s Dimitar Pervertov

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAALLLL URRRGHHH GOOOOOAAAAAAAL

Now I will proceed to show you a few pictures of Dim-Eater Pervertov

He will screw YOU and your WIFE and anything with a hole and a visible spine

He will kick your balls upside down with hands tied behind his back while defying gravity

Now I will proceed to show you pictures of Dimitar Berbaflop/tov

"THEY EXPECT TOO MUCH.. I'M JUST A HUMAN"

"Did you get the license plate of that defender? He took my bukitt :'( "

"STFU YOU FUCKING GOAT! I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT BERBATRON MEANS NEXT WEEK"

ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU TELL FERGIE AND THE HOOKERS EVERY WEEK?

Okay, I’d rather not have a “Hate TehGoatLord, Love United” mob outside my house.

Alright, I dunno if I’m the only one who noticed, Berbatov plays off the striker as a Central Attacking Midfielder. Certainly like the Rooney who was/is afraid of scoring. But all in all, he has the flair and creativity to take it on.

Now on to Luis Nani/Amphetamini/Ronaldo-lite

When I told people that this dude is gonna be a star after his debut goal everyone laughed at me. Everyone. Some still do and point at his constistency. But honestly, 10 assists already and 4 goals.

What the fuck is he on? Ronaldo’s left over tissues that he used to masturbate on? Is he snorting Cristiano Ronaldo’s dried mucous?

We’ll see at the end of the season.

More or less, United’s not gonna win, Manchester City’s gonna keep on spraying money like cat piss, Chelsea’s gonna keep on.. ugh. “Doin it right”

On a lighter note. Let’s end this post with another picture of Berba

"Shit.. Where's the nearest phone booth? I need to change to Berbatron!"

Ah, the beautiful Manchester City. loljk

Anyways. This is my theory on how Manchester City came to be a superpower in World Football.

Random guy: Hey dude,sup
Random Arab: Nm. The usual, lots of money, nowhere to spend on.
Randum guy: Yeah, Harems are so overrated.
Random Arab: Yeah.. I need to spend money on something
Random Guy: Hey, let’s buy a football club and buy like 17 strikers so someone will ALWAYS score
Random Arab: Yeah bro. Great idea. Imma buy a city and like rip shit up with my money
Random guy: k bro. invite me

Say hello to the new Manchester City way of celebrating Goals.

"The Pushup Bra"

Alright so, did you all see Babykiller or Kaka in Mexican disguise etc

Yeah, I think he’s a reverse Ronaldo or something. He scores with the back of his head, he scores with the his face.
Ronaldo would NEVER score with his face. He’d lose his fashionfag sponsorship deals.
Ronaldo would NEVER ruin his hair and score with the back of his head.
EVER

So I came across this piece of infedility across FaceBook. I suggest you all hate.
Click on the picture to visit the fanpage

That’s like saying
“Hey, Jews. Let’s just forget what the Nazis did and pin Swastika on our tshirts, k?”

No, srsly, on second thought lets do it.

Let’s end the post with a beautiful rhyme now, shall we?

Interior Crocodile Alligator,
I’m a goat and also a masturbator

You’ll never walk alone….

You’ll always have a crutch, Mr. Torres.

Well, it’s always those groin injuries. Actually he needs a new crotch

*We have our own Tiger Woods!
*He’s called Rooney and he gets caught with his pants down with a whore.
*Who charges him more cause he’s ugly…
*And.. He actually pays.

[10:19] I dont get what a furrie is.
[10:19] Even now.
[10:19] <+blenderface> wb again BlueChaos
[10:19] <+blenderface> Wait
[10:20] <+blenderface> You don’t?
[10:20] No
[10:20] >_>
[10:20] <@LeaHun> It’s a person animal.
[10:20] <@LeaHun> Animal person.
[10:20] <@LeaHun> Kinda
[10:20] Like a half animal half person?
[10:20] <@LeaHun> yes
[10:20] oh
[10:20] <@LeaHun> Like a mix
[10:20] So like, black people are furries?
[10:20] <@LeaHun> …