Rantage 25: tweenagefail

So I was listening to Dancing Shoes by Arctic Monkeys. The line “Get On Your Dancing Shoes” inspired me to write a new Rantage.

Yes, a nerd writer’s dancing shoes is actually a Word Processor named Q10.

I actually came up with the topic name after the two paragraphs above.

Teenagers nowadays give teenagers a bad name. Like 4 srs. Now that I’ve stepped onto late teens, I can successfully rant about how teenagers are so annoying and how glad I’ll be to step into my 20s.

OMG TEENAGERS SUCK SO MUCH etc etc.

I shall now refer everyone from 13-16 as Tweenagers.

“Metal” heads:

This brand of tweenagers are usually posers. Like srs posers who think BFMV and Trivium are h4rdx0r metal bands.

I mean, seriously? Pre-pubescent Bullet for My Valentine?

“YOUUUUUR TEEEEAAARRSS DON’T FALLL! THEY SLASH MY WRISTS AROUND ME”

etc etc.

And Trivium?

THEY DON’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!

The so called metal heads download Top 100 Best Metal Songs of All Time via Torrents and listen to them and claim to have a proper taste in Metal.

I went through this phase..

Bieberfevershivers/Disneyfailures:

You’ve all seen these. If you didn’t you’re probably Bin Laden’s favorite dildo.

Through the ages these fails have been prevalent. Starting from Johann Pachelbel’s fangirls to Britney’s onto Justine Bieber’s now.

Justine Bieber… His music is plague. Just like the Bubonic Plague in the 18th and 19th centuries brought onto by Rats. This is the Biebonic Plague brought onto us by a black man.

SERIOUSLY? FIRST AIDS NOW BIEBER?

Below is a picture of a Biebershiver

Then comes Disney. The reasons girls date ugly guys like me. I would like to thank Beauty and the Beast for that.

Then again, Beauty probably had some brand of STD that Beast was immune to. Plus Mr. Beast had a huge castle and lots of money.

So no point thanking them anymore.

Disney: Turning our female youth into Gold Diggers since 1945.

Then comes the new era of Disney which turns the remaining short-sighted females into raging “Fangirls”.

Miley Cyrus, Knight Sterling, Zac Effron.

The perfect singing, dancing and acting(!) clones of Mickey Mouse’s and Winstoned Churchill’s DNA.

They have turned our youth into Disneysaurs.

Nerdteens:

“D00d, today I h4x0red through my friend’s firewall into his inner labia, took his system32 out of his Unix’s cervix and then I urethrad into his labia majora!”

That’s how nerds ACTUALLY talk.

Everything to them is an RPG game!

Like for example

Quest: Have sex with girlfriend

Difficulty: Hard-on

Must face the final boss: Girlfriends Mom. Impress Girlfriends Mom and enter bedroom for reward.

Known Weaknesses: A bright future, lots of money, flowers and chocolate.

That’s how I think, actually… :[

And I know this doesn't work:

Geeks:

As much as I would love to put them under nerds, it's just not the same.

A geek lives to study. It has no life, no hormones, no gender and absolutely no taste in music apart from Barney the Dinosaur and maybe Sesame Street.

The only movie a geek watches is probably McBeth and the surprising fact is that the Geek loves it.

Why does a geek have no hormones?

Because the closest thing to porn a geek watches is

"The Subtle Art of Unnatural Rational Reproduction Between A Tarantula and a Divorced Black Widow Spider to Save Polar Bears and Stop Armageddon 2012"

Example of a Geek: TheMorbidTeddy

Babes/Plastics:

These are the horrific by-products of failed birth control.

The size of an ego of a Babe almost touches that of Kanye West.

Let me show you a conversation between two Plastics:

Chick 1:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Chick 2:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Chick 1:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Chick 2: LIKE OH EM GEE! LIKE TOTALLY! LIKE THAT WAS SOOO FAB!

Chick 1: I KNOOOOW! DID YOU HEAR ABOUT <insertanotherchickhere> ?!

Chick 2: OH EM GEE! I HEARD SHE HAD SEX WITH A WOODEN PIPE! I WAS LIKE SOOO OH EM GEE! THAT WOODEN PIPE IS SOOO HOT! HOW CAN HE EVEN HAVE SEX WITH HER WHEN WE EXIST?!

Chick 1: blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah

Chick 2: blahblahblahblahblahblahblah

Wooden Pipe Raper Enters The Fray

Before dating a Plastic. Remember to wear two condoms because their vaginas will probably burn the first one.

Hipsters:

The most selfish people in the history of Jewdom. They will listen to music from the most obscure places known to man. Ranging from Bin Laden’s fart sounds to probably your aunt’s wailing when she’s having her vag waxed.

They are known to listen to “Indie” music a lot and if one hipster finds out that the artist he’s listening to is listened to by more than 10 people. He immediately sets out on a quest to

A> Find a New Band

B> Kill the band

C> Kill the listeners.

So he’s always listening to bands nobody else is listening to.

I mean… Seriously?

HipsterHilter is my favourite Hipster

A hipster…

So that pretty much sums up most of the stereotypes under tweenagers.

People may ask what Stereotype I fall under.

Zoophile.

Initial Review Board Consists of:

Alif the RealJew

Deb The WonderJew

Osama Bin Laden

Tasnia

Muntasir

TheMorbidTeddy

Sofia

Saddam Hussein

Julian Assenge