We’re back with the second issue of the Rantages advice column, ‘Sage Advice’! Our panel of experts has read your problems and pains and are ready to put you at ease with their wisdom and good humour! Just sit back, relax, and place yourselves in the capable hands of:

• Hafizur al-Khwarizmi; a lecturer of Literature at the University of Baghdad and a noted writer of romantic verse.
• Einnar Hrolfsson; a berserker captain sworn to King Ragnar the Brooding, and collector of drinking skulls.
• Zu Fang: a hermit living near a waterfall in the Henan Province of China.

“My sister has a habit of chasing cars and small animals and goes nuts at the sight of fire hydrants. What do I do?”

-Dog-tired

Einnar Hrolfsson writes:

“What do you do, you ask Einnar? You sit upon your soft and pallid bottom, bemoaning your fate and pestering your betters for counsel! What you should be doing, – what a warrior in whose guts roars a fire fit to roast Sutr himself would be doing – is seeing this as the godly gift that it truly is! Einnar is certain that your sister – long may she bear mighty pups – has been bitten by a wild wolf, and is now what the Skalds call a werhrolf! When her time comes this month, as shall happen as surely as the moon waxes full, you must approach her with an oaken spear, a shield of ash, and a wand of rowan. With the first you must hold her at bay; with the second you must drive aside her claws; and the wand shall bind and tame her beast-spirit to your whim!

Once bound, she shall forever be by your side, and none shall be able to stop you when go a-warring! Doughty warriors will drink to your health in golden halls, and the sagas shall tell the tale of Dog-tired Wolf’s Kin!”

“lol…really? I found a place that many players are hoo king up with h ot mo dels, seems the club called: __Tallmingle.com___, do you hear this before?”

-tall-enrique12

Hafizur al-Khwarizmi writes:

“Most Gentle and Poetic tall-enrique12,

“Your admiration for the fairer sex is truly an exemplary quality, and one that is sadly becoming increasingly rare and precious in today’s mundane-minded world. The fact you have a particular and personal passion for the taller flowers of grace also gladdens my heart and I raise up my cup to quaff a toast in praise of the nicety and excellence of your taste. For indeed there is much to be said and sung about the charms of such damsels, who are as delicate fluted spires, curving gracefully to lofty and intoxicating heights. I myself have written many verses on this subject.

“But I must chastise you, my beloved friend, on certain indelicacies in your letter. It distresses me to hear you speak of ‘players’ who are ‘hooking’ up with women. Romance is not a game where a man must aim to ‘score’ with as many ladies as he can, in order to then feel more of a man in the eyes of his peers and loved ones. Rather, romance is a journey for a man and a woman, often perilous and filled with grief, but on the course of which lovers will arrive at certain moments of great beauty which are as perfect, perfumed gardens, where they may draw strength and unimaginable delight from their mutual passion and fervour. Remember that this journey must be undertaken together, as equals, and with perfect respect and affection for one another.

I would advise you, my brother tall-enrique12 to abandon your empty liaisons and fleeting attachments, for they are as mere morsels of bread next to a bounteous and excellent marital feast. Seek for yourself a tall damsel in whose arms and pleasure you may spend the rest of your days, and marry her forthwith. Love and honour are what shall last when your beard grows white and your vision dims.”

‎”O amay bhalo bashe niiii… oshim e bhalobasha o je bojhe niiii…”

-Heartbreak Lovestealer

Zu Fang writes:

“Heartbreak Lovestealer

“The Red Fox laughs as the Foolish Man journeys forth into the gale without having embraced his brother: The Chrysanthemum blooms as the Kingfisher swoops down upon a bubble in the pond; silver scales thrash in the struggle for life.

“Parables for the wise man to ponder upon.”

That’s all for this week! If you want advice from our superb sages, don’t be shy! Just leave a reply below describing your problem and they’ll get back to you in a week or two. (Don’t worry: we operate on a policy of strict confidentiality.)

 Rantages also published with this one:

Sage Advice: 2nd Issue by PangashKhan
Comicage 4: Batman in Dhaka by TehPeanutCruncher
Rantage 103: Life of a Child by TehGoatLaydeh and TehGoatLord 
Rantage 104: Girls Please Stop by TehGoatLord and TehAlbinoBlackSheep