Most Screwed Up Things about Bangladesh [Part 2]
A relevant article to check would be ArrangedMarriagePMS by TehZebraLord
Bangladeshis are a lazy bunch of people. This writer, for example, has taken 2 weeks to write the 2nd installment of a 5-part of series. This article, due a week ago, took some deliberation to write. I had two editors, TehGoatLord and that new girl who became editor a few days ago, constantly making me sit through re-runs of the Ellen DeGeneres show. At one point, I gave in. I took my laptop and began writing. If writing this gutter shit is salvation from that Ellen person, I am more than willing.
This series was/is about the 5 most screwed up things about Bangladesh. So far, the first article dealt with the pangs of Unisexual education. This one, ladies and gentlemen, will deal with something we all enjoy and have fallen into some point in our lives.
Introducing: Love. Bangladeshi Style.
In the modern world, people spend their whole damn lives in pursuit of true love. Some find it, some don’t. That’s what makes it such a mesmerizing little thing. The belief that somewhere in this world, there is somebody who will be the right guy/girl/goat for you.
Here in Bangladesh, though, things are very, VERY different.
Parents here are all too confident that they know what their kids need. They are as sure as fuck. Parents firmly believe that they will, without fail, scout out the right soul mate for their son/daughter out of thin air. To aid their quest, they have set up a few requirements.
The Bride (পৈত্রিক বধু)
- Must be fair as fuck, must not have a single spot on her skin
- Must have hair that is silky and curly at same time;
- Must have hair that is brown and blonde at same time;
- Must be at least 5 foot 5 inches;
- Must be exactly 4 years younger than the groom (one day plus/minus and she will be shot in the head).
- Must have a spotless past where she has not spoken to any man other than her father, brother, uncle, etc; must have excellent social skills;
- Must be skilled in Bangladeshi, Indian, French and pseudo-Chinese gourmet. She must be able to speak a minimum of 4 languages.
- Must not have any opinions of her own.
- Must hold a bare minimum of 3 Guinness World Records.
- Must be humble, polite and subtle.
- Her voice must never be heard by anyone other than her husband and children.
- Birth control will not exist in her vocabulary.
- Must be a rich heiress and be willing to give up all her property over to her new husband.
The Groom (জামাই )
He has to be either an MBBS doctor, a B.Sc Engineer, L.L.B Lawyer or a very successful businessman that has at least one pot of gold hidden somewhere in his area. If any of these 4 criterions are fulfilled, nothing else will be required. Impotence is not looked down upon. Neither is faggotry, or pedophilia for that matter.
So when the groom’s family goes to a bride’s house to check her out, the following can ensue.
Daughter’s Mom: Son, did you say you’re a BUET engineer?
Groom: Yes ma’am, I did.
DM: Oh wow! Welcome to the family son. I will take neither notice of the fact that you have a knife in your right pocket and a pistol in the other, nor the fact that your bloodshot eyes are currently fixed on my chest.
Groom : But ma’am, I am a raging homosexual pedophile who at this moment wishes to rape your daughter’s 13 year old brother.
DM: But son, did you not say you’re a BUET engineer?
Groom: Yes ma’am I did.
DM: Welcome to the family, son!
*Everyone gets up, shakes hands and takes a big family picture*
Does it never occur in the minds of Bangladeshis that you’re binding your life with a complete stranger? I mean, Bangladeshis don’t believe in hook-ups. But they do believe in arranged marriages. Is that not hypocrisy? Because, by the end of the day, you are ending up in bed with a total stranger in both cases.
Typically, Bangladeshis are, on the other hand, completely against the idea of a marriage where the bride and groom have chosen each other, having dated each other for a prolonged period of time. Why? Because that is pure evil.
BANGLADESHI PARENTS, PLEASE GROW SOME SENSE
It doesn’t matter if these so-called ‘affair marriages’ include two very successful individuals. It just can’t happen. Because the bloody parents weren’t involved in any way.
“But ma’am, I am the Secretary General of the United Nations, have a PhD in Genetic Engineering and have written two New York Times Best sellers”
“But son, are you a complete stranger to my daughter who was chosen by us and not her on the basis of an interview as well as somebody who we will get our daughter married off to for the rest of her life although she does not have a clue about you?”
“No ma’am.”
“WHAT? ARE YOU SAYING SHE KNOWS YOU WELL?”
“Yes”
“Well, dear mother of goat! I can’t let this marriage happen!”
*woman has a heart failure*
On the other side of the coin, we have people who are Date Freaks.
How many times have you come across a Bangladeshi girl (still only 16) who has already had something like 20 boyfriends? I mean, what is up with that? What is wrong with our society as a whole? On one side, you have people still living in the Middle Ages. On another, you have these man whores/sluts who are trying so damn hard to be romantic. What gives?
Seriously guys, love isn’t a plaything. Let’s take it with a bit more sincerity, eh?
[Editor's Note: The above advice is from a 16 year old. Take him
VERY seriously]
Before you get serious
This is to state that the aforementioned Rantage is a piece of literary humor and is to be perceived as such by able minded humanoids. Furthermore, any resemblance to the characters, situations, incidents and dialogues incorporated in the Rantage are to be considered purely coincidental as Rantage Inc. by means of a hereby included exclusion clause, denies responsibility for your guilty conscience
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20 Responses to this article
@mr. Zaki ahmed ‘women from decent family
shudnt speak to unknown
people (guys).’
every women in islam has the right to do whatever they want. Ppl who restrict women from their freedom are not humans they are animals
Haha. Tonnes of broken keyboards, I see. Nice article though.
i’ll tell you whats seriously fucked up about our country = fucked up hindi movies.(possibly gave you an idea for your next article) anyways, awesome article!!! imma act like a 13 year old chick(which im not) and type <3 in
wtf????no wondr dis writr is totally mad…nd doesnt evn knw wat he himslf is tslking!! i hav a suggestn 4 u my bro…nd dat is “just GROW UP”!!!!!!!ok ..u hav d ryt to say watevr u think in ur small piece of brain,,…bt u do noT hav d ryt to attach som1′s precious photo to express ur dumb feeling u got dat??????????my point is…say watevr u wanna say ..its ur ryt..bt attaching som1′s photo to it…nd making fun of it…is it fair???we r bz looking for othrs mistake…bt we frget to notice hw WE r making fun of ppl nd making dem sad!!!i hope u’l remove d pic nw nd also u’l again go through ur “bostapocha” articl and fyn ur mistakes!!
Rantages Inc has already removed the picture from the main article. We apologize if anyone was or is offended.
However, wen u typ lyk diz, itz jst hrd 2 tke u srsly.
How Lame can you get before attacking a comedy site?
The person who wrote this article is nothing but an ***-****. I have wasted 10 mins of my life reading it out but i dont feel wasted to reply cause this writer needs serious knowledge about what he’s talking about. Islam permits human being to have fun but up to certain extent which according to me is perfect because after crossing that line we turn into animals. So kiddo i would suggest you to go through the Quran and then justify your article.
So what did you find so offensive here then? As far as I know, even if he’s written this article purely for the sake of fun, can YOU disagree that our mothers ACTUALLY do most of this? If you do then you’re either a liar or you don’t know what’s going on around your house & WHAT line did he cross again? Is there even a line here that I’m unaware of? Did he joke about Islam or anything? The kind of marriage we have nowadays, is it EVEN considered ISLAMIC? I know more than enough about marriage in Islam. Dancing in holud, mixed receptions, where did all of this come from in an Islamic marriage? Maybe the guy before was saying all of this because he was unaware of the situation, that it’s a humor site. But you? You amaze me, sir. Go watch some Islamic lectures. See if they tell you the same thing. If you need some recommendations, I can suggest a few Islamic scholars. Try Nouman Ali Khan, Imaam Suhaib Webb, Hamza Yusuf. Try them. I lOVED their lectures. Even THEY have a better humor than you have, not to mention they are one of THE greatest scholars of today. So if they can have fun while giving lectures, I don’t see why we can’t have fun in our own way while keeping it clean?
One last thing. It’s a humor site, so TREAT it as one. If you don’t like the articles here, DON’T read. The editors put a message on each & every article they publish. Something like, “Before you get serious This is to state that the aforementioned Rantage is a piece of literary humor and is to be perceived as such by able minded humanoids. Furthermore, any resemblance to the characters, situations, incidents and dialogues incorporated in the Rantage are to be considered purely coincidental as Rantage Inc. by means of a hereby included exclusion clause, denies responsibility for your guilty conscience.” So from the next time, hopefully you’ll be able to read the articles here with a clear conscience. Thank you.
This is a humor site. You have no sense of humor. Judging by that fact it’s quiet safe to assume you grew up watching Z-Bangla serials.
lol… what do you expect from a gag site?
so tell me, does the quran tell u to criticize ppl and call them ***_****s? I don’t think so. piece of advice foor u, refine urself b4 trying 2 refine othrs. take care.
i wanna know if the writer of this article is wthr Muslim or atheist.
Must have a spotless past where she has not spoken to any man other than her father, brother, uncle, etc; must have excellent social skills;
Must be humble, polite and subtle.
Her voice must never be heard by anyone other than her husband and children.
women from decent family shudnt speak to unknown people (guys).
“O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. If you keep your duty (to Allaah), then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner” [al-Ahzaab 33:32]
there are many hadiths and Quran verses which orders the believing Muslims to lower their gaze and be humble. i have no grudge with the writer of this article but if he/she is a Muslim then try to defence the right of your Muslim brothers/sisters instead of writing such articles without proper knowledge. may Allah forgive our sins.
oh yea! i know i’ll receive many criticism for dis. and i dont care. honestly.
“Say what you wish to say when you throw abuse at me, for my silence towards the idiot is indeed an answer. I am not at loss for not responding, as its not befitting of a lion to respond to dogs” Imam Ash-Shafi (May Allah have mercy on him)
..and fear Allah as He should be feared.
Show me oh brother of mine, where in Quran says you cannot have fun if you’re a Muslim? THIS is a humor site. All the articles here are JUST FOR FUN. Ever heard something like, ‘Excessive knowledge of something is bad’? You have done the same. I know what you were trying to do here. Some of us here are practicing Muslims aswell. But you have to take a joke AS a joke. It’s because of YOU people Islam is being picked on. Duidin hoynai namaj kalam start korsi but already pura duniya ke point kore beraitesi, you’re wrong, you’re a sinner, you’re going to hell. Chill, Islam isn’t as hard as we ALL thought it is. Allah made it easy for us & our Prophet Hazrat Mohammad (PBUH) made it even easier. So when you’re reading an article on this site, please DO consider it as nothing more than a joke. Thank you & Assalamu Alaikum. I wasn’t saying you’re a bad person or you’re a new practicing Muslim. I’m just pointing out what our flaws are as a Muslim. Sorry. Take care & may Allah bless you.
Amazing reply brother…exactly what was needed….the mother of SENSE OF HUMOR has died a long time ago…
Arsehole,it’s rantages. Not your regular wannabe religious sites. Quote 9 gag instead.
The Ayah u have quoted doesn’t mean that women shouldn’t talk to any male outside the family if it is necessary.This Ayah orders the prophet’s wives (I,e other beleiving women) to maintain some manners and decency while talking.It doesn’t mean that “don’t talk at all”.Had it Allah’s intention to restrain women from talking to mahram men,Allah could have said it explicitly. If women are not allowed to communicate with men at all,Why do u find many hadiths where Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) discussing with Umm Atiya who was neither his daughter nor his wife?Why do u find incidences in Bukhari hadiths where women used to pray in the mosque standing behind men? Muslims participated in many wars under the guidance of Ayesha (RA).How was is possible if she didn’t talk at all with anyone.
sorry.It will read ‘Non mahram males’ in my first reply.
The above advice is from a 16 year old. Take him VERY seriously
(lawwwwwwwwwl that was AWESHUM)
missing a “like” button!
@ Pong chong: I was not talking about the article.I commented about Zaki Ahmad’s comment but accidentally it got posted here.Thanks.