Face it, you’ve just read the title and you can’t help feeling perplexed. I would have had similar reactions too if it was this time last year. But since joining Rantages in February, my approach and understanding of the world of goats has changed. And oh boy has it changed for the better. I first came across the ‘other side’ of goats during my interview while applying for the job at the Rantages Headquarters (Yes, we have a HQ. No, I won’t tell you where it is). There was heated competition between the staggering number of contestants present there [there were 2]. When my interview started, TehGoatLord and his then ass Editor TehZebraLord, began asking questions.

My boss. Seems legit

TGL : Tell me, Mr.Aweshumnesh, have you ever been with a goat?

Me: Excuse me?

TGL: You know. You and a goat. Getting dirty?

Me: No sir..I’m afraid not.

TGL: Pity. Anyhow, I believe that can be arranged.

With that, he snapped his fingers and from a door to the side of the room, some 40 goats came rushing into the room. TehGoatLord jumped on top of one of them and motioned to me to do the same. Hesitantly, I slowly did as he said. With a few small steps, I fixed my hands on the neck of one particularly white goat [I’m all for inter racial], and slowly got on top of it (as sane as all that can possibly sound) At once, it felt as if I had found true love. Me and TehGoatLord , atop our respective goats, then leapt out of the room through a window. We rode our goats (in the most perverted form of ‘riding’) through the countryside and into the deepest horizons. It was beautiful. Me, my new boss and goats. What more could I possibly ask for?

This. But everyone knows Aweshumnesh is no man.

Since that day last in February, I have shared a public appreciation for Goats. In the most romantic ways. I happen to take my inspiration from Mr. Tombe, a Sudanese senior citizen.

Here’s a report from The Sun about him :

“A SUDANESE animal-lover has been made to marry a goat after he was caught
making love to the bearded beast.

The goat’s owner Mr Alifi of Hai Malakal in  Upper Nile State, southern Sudan, said he brought in a group of elders to decide the fate of culprit Mr Tombe.

He said: ”It was around midnight when Tombe came to do his nonsense on my goat, and I  was already in bed inside my house. Suddenly, I heard the goat make a loud noise.

Immediately, I rushed outside to find Mr Tombe was naked and engaged in a relation with my goat . When I asked him what are you doing there, he fell off the back of the goat, so I
captured and tied him up”.

Mr Tombe was ordered to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars(£25) to Mr Alifi.

“We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together.

They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife,” Mr Alifi told the Juba Post newspaper.”

I’ve always been amazed at the endless possibilities goats presented mankind with. What with all the overpopulation and shit so rampant, goats could be a very, very useful substitute for women! I mean, I personally wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. See, there’s more for us to gain if we do actually consider putting goats in the same place.

Girlfriend: You were eyeing that goat.

Boyfriend: Was not!

You see, I just don’t see the world like you do

Goats to you

Goats to me

As far as I know, certain celebrities are already into the whole Human Goat Crossbreeding thing. So yes, I am not the only crazy one. Chelsea and Brazil footballer David Luiz has been doing it for years. You don’t believe me? Here’s proof .

You know, once this starts it will be like, the new big thing. Absolutely everyone will be doing. There could even be a new fad similar to Emos and Goths. The Goats. In Bangladesh, Goats would become the new symbol of the teen generation. I can even see a movie ahead.

Oh wait, they already have.

A lot of people have since questioned my sanity. Now, you see, this is perfectly sane. To validate my point, I asked a famous religious cleric from Saudi Arabia. He agreed that the whole thing was perfectly sensible.

N.B. He is the same man that said more Saudis would lose their virginity and turn homosexual if women were allowed to drive in the country.