We Bangladeshis are a lazy bunch of people. Why am I saying that? Well, this was due a month or so ago, but I couldn’t get myself around to churning something out. Writer’s Block is such a pain, but then again my dad and I had to attend a few parties. You know how Winter is always wedding season here. The parties gave rise to part 3 of this series. Part 1 and Part 2 spoke of a number of things horribly wrong with Bangladesh. Keeping it that way, I now present to you:

Aristocrats.

Bangladeshi style.

In every state there are societies of people who, due to their vast wealth and power, are isolated from the rest of the country. These people are usually a part of the ruling class or are very influential members of the state. A single phone call from these people can afford more than your entire year’s salary. Keeping in tune with their bank balance, their family members tend to have huge egos too.
Now I was never really a part of this class. But thanks to my dad’s job I have had the displeasure of mixing with these people quite a lot. And some of the things that go on during these ‘parties’ aristocrats throw for other aristocrats, is just…mindboggling.

Woman1: Bhabi apnar bhai ekdom miser ekta manush
Woman2 : Keno bhabi, ki holo?
Woman1: Ar bolben na bhabi, etto kore bollam kintu matro 40 inch Bravia anlo.

40 inches. The minimum length required to make her not speak aboutyour incompetence in bed.

Here at Rantages, though, we deeply condemn Bravias. MyOne Television for the win.

Ways to identify Bangladeshi aristocrats:

• Tendency to colour hair brown (not just a few streaks but the entire hair)
• Gown like dresses that are sleeveless (for females). Regardless of whether they look good in them or downright scary.
• The necessity to wear suits to the most informal of occasions
• The tendency to emphasize on one English word being used in the middle of a sentence being said in Bangla.
• The tendency to always change the topic discussion to what cars people own
• The idea that walking like you’ve just sat on something sharp is a sexy.
• The tendency to bring out their cellphones every 10 seconds, do nothing but look at it and move it in your hand , and the putting it back in the pocket
• The tendency to always “suddenly” recall a foreign vacation.

The Parties

So you have rich, smug douchebags with a huge stash of cash and no apparent idea of what to do with it. They sit around their unnecessarily expensive tables having imported tea, with bowls of caviar in front of them .Which is weird cause no one there is having caviar anyway. But it just has to be there. Cause rich people can afford to put it there. And if they can afford it, they will do it. ‘Necessity’ is such a narrow minded word.

“I say, good sir, what can we do?”
“I say we throw a fancy party with bow ties and things similarly gay”
“What a jolly good idea mate”
“Cheers, mate”
“Cheers”

Yes they do talk in a British accent. Well not really. I just put that there for the comic relief. What? Stop looking at me funny.

The parties themselves are lined with tables of food that no one really eats. Because rich people have a celebrity complex which implies the necessity to diet.

So despite having a huge variety of food present, people will take up coke glasses and pretend its wine while chatting about rich things that the rich people did a few days ago. Cause that’s how rich people roll.
The kids there are the worst, considering how they’ve been brought up to believe that their dad’s bank account makes them better than everyone else. The kids are free, therefore, to become freaks of nature. They tend to be completely airhead fucks with no talent of their own. I had a chat with one a few days. I was drawn by his sunglasses. For anyone who wears sunglasses indoors will always get my attention.

How TehGoatLord hired him.

Me : Hi. Nice shades.
RichKid: Oh hi. Sup dude?
Me: Eitto
RichKid: What? Oh sorry . ami toh banglaa boltei pharina.
Me: Dude?
RichKid: Yeah?
Me : Stop trying so hard.
RichKid: Sorry man.
Me: No problem. I’ll just take it you’re a douche.

Now rich people gatherings aren’t all that bad. For one, they have pretty girls. Girls who tend to wear excessively revealing western clothes their generation-gap-struck mother bought from London. I was trying to score (I say trying for the best I have ever scored is with TehGoatLord) with one. But I don’t know whether it’s the money or not but these people tend to be dumb.

Me : So why did the chicken cross the road?
RichPrettyGirlIWantedToBang: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU’RE SO FUNNEH!
Me : But I haven’t said the joke yet.
RPGIWTB: but you just said ‘chicken’! hahahahahahahahaha
Me: Okay…uh. Excuse me I have to pee.
RPGIWTB : What?
Me: I have to use the bathroom
RPGIWTB : Rich people don’t pee.
Me : What?
RPGIWTB : Are you really rich? Or just pretend rich?
Me : I’m sorry. I pretended to be rich
RPGIWTB : I KNEW IT. YOU’RE A FAKE. I’LL GO LAUGH AT THE JOKES OF A GUY WHO IS REALLY RICH AND DOESN’T NEED TO DO POOR PEOPLE THINGS LIKE USE THE BATHROOM.
Me : WAIT. COME BACK. I CAN HOLD MY BLADDER ! PLEASE!

With a broken heart, I made my way to the drinks corner. Sitting there with a glass of Coke, I was approached by this dude in a white tuxedo. He was apparently the DJ or something. He looked at me. I looked back. The situation was getting romantic. I knew I had to make a move. We were eye to eye. Me and the DJ. A dude-to-dude thing. Not the sort of dude-to-dude thing you see everyday. It was a special dude-to-dude thing you only see at a party for rich people. Then, he spoke.
DJ : Mama kun gan ta bajabo?
Me: (heartbroken) Chaina Meye by Hridoy Khan.
DJ : Arreh no mama, rich people party. English song.
That was when someone shouted “TURN ON THE MUSICS!”, in an accent that best resembled a cross over of Mohammad Ashraful and Bappi Lahiri.

"Music getting turned on in.. 3...2...1..."

He went on to play a song by the Black Eyed Peas. The song started with the line “Tonight’s Gonna be a good good night”. I expected it to be a good song. Turns out the song only has that one damn line. Over and over again. But the rich people kept partying.

At around 1 AM, people started to clear out. Everybody was exhausted and nobody really knew what they had done the whole night. Or why they did it. They didn’t really enjoy it either. Just they had to do it. Because they could . That’s what rich people are for. Doesn’t matter if the majority of the country is dying of poverty and can’t get a good education. The rich people know what they’re doing is right.
That’s why they’re better than us in the first place.

RICH PEOPLE, BEFORE YOU GET SHIT SERIOUS AND START DEBATING THE ‘FACTS’ IN THE RANTAGE, PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER ABOVE THE COMMENT SECTION AND KNOW THAT THIS BOY WROTE THE RANTAGE